Oh, man, did you see that moment when that guy did that thing? Don't worry, we did. Read on and get the full story of Oscar's best, worst and otherest. Best Performance: Even with the slightly forced "recession Oscars" conceit, host Hugh Jackman delivered a completely winning song and dance to open the show that totally made us forget they didn't hire a comedian. Showing off both talent and a sly sense of humor, Jackman nailed it.
Best Lyric From the Opening Song: "I would swim a sea of human excrement."—Jackman crooning sweet(?)ly to Kate Winslet
Worst Transition: From the goofily good opener—the techno Reader representation was more entertaining than the movie—the show bogged down with that somber bunch of Best Supporting Actresses intoning like they were going to banish the winner to the Forbidden Zone with General Zod.
Best Brangelina Quip: Jackman drew our attention to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie before saying, "I don't actually have a joke for them, I'm just contractually required to mention them five times during the show." (Not bad; it's 25 times for us.)
Best Present: Copresenters Steve Martin and Tina Fey, who've been funny together on TV and film, delivered a hilarious tribute to writers that made us want to see them make another movie together. Or, you know, read something.
Best Reaction: Jolie looking totally charmed by her Kung Fu Panda costar Jack Black, who was onstage presenting with that actress from Friends.
Best Twilight Crossover: Rob Pattinson brought that undead charm of his to the Oscars, where it was familiar to Twihards and everyone who's ever had lunch with a Hollywood agent.
Best On-Air Design: Whoever thought to put Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker on stage together.
Best Reaction: Seth Rogen and James Franco's half-baked response to the comedies of 2008. Dude, cinematographer Janusz Kaminski was so high!
Joke Least Likely to Reach the Billion People Around the World: Ben Stiller's crazy, bearded Joaquin Phoenix impersonation was funny, but a little inside considering how few people recognize Stiller anyway.
Assault With a Medley Weapon: The top-hat-and-tails number with Beyoncé, Zac Efron and the rest totally summed up the year in movies. And that year was 1936.
Most Likely to Spawn a "Who's in Your Five?" Commercial: The Best Supporting actor nomination five-way was like a presidential debate without all the humor.
Most Heartbreaking: Heath Ledger's family accepting his award.
Biggest Showstopper: Wirewalker Philippe Petit, the absolutely entertaining subject of documentary Man on Wire, balancing an Oscar on his chin while a billion people watched and wondered if it would fall. But for a man who once spent 45 minutes walking between the Twin Towers, well, that's probably no big deal.
Best Commercial: Coming in just ahead of the one for the website that helps you earn $5K a month working at home, the Tom Cruise-Jimmy Kimmel bit was funny like a house on fire.
Best Make-Good Decision: The loud and fast medley crammed full of action and comic book movies, because let's be honest: These were the best things that Hollywood had to offer last year, and The Dark Knight (not to mention Iron Man) got robbed. Take that, Reader.
Worst Make-Good Decision: After that whole medley thing, the movie about the wrinkly old baby beat Dark Knight and Iron Man. Obviously, there is no justice…except that meted out by costumed heroes.
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